The following is a small collection of jokes targeted at the Chicago Cubs and their silly little fans. I gather these as I see them, so be patient – the list will grow.
If you have a joke to contribute, feel free…if I deem it worthy, I will add it to my collection. As I find better jokes to replace the less funny jokes already here, I will employ the late-inning hook and yank ’em.
Enjoy!
* * * * *
SEE WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ON OUR HOME PAGE! CLICK HERE
Lesson Learned…
A young boy from a family of Cubs fans celebrated his birthday with a trip to the sporting goods store where his dad let him pick out anything he wanted. The little boy chose an Albert Pujols jersey, and proceeded to tell his sister that he had decided to become a Cardinals fan. His sister smacked him upside the head and said, “Go talk to mom!”
The little boy then told his mom the same thing, and she smacked him upside the head and said, “Go talk to your dad!”
He told his dad the same thing, and his dad smacked him upside the head and said, “I hope you’ve learned something from this stunt of yours!”
“I sure have,” the boy replied. “I’ve only been a Cardinal fan for ten minutes and I already hate you Cub bastards.”
A Class Full of Cubs Fans…
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Cubs fans too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Cubs fan.”
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
“Why I’m proud to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cardinals fan.
“Well, My Dad and Mom are Cardinals fans, and I’m a Cardinals fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a Cubs fan.”
100 Points!
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town near Chicago. Of course, there were always Cub fans walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian Cub fans with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a Cub fan walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the Cub fan, but…then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump” and in the rear view mirror he spotted the Cub fan rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, “Father, I’m sure that I missed that Cub fan.”
And the priest replied, “That’s OK, my son, I got him with the door.”
An Answer to Prayers…
Jesus had a conversation with God and asked, “Father, so many people keep praying to me for the Cubs to win the World Series. What should I tell them?”
God replied, “Tell them that the Cubs will win the World Series, my son… Just not in my lifetime.”
A Little Boy’s Plea…
A little boy was an abused child. His parents were accused of the crime. When they went to trial, the judge asked the little boy who he wanted to live with. He replied, “The Chicago Cubs, Sir.” The Judge asked him, “Why the Cubs?” The little boy said, “Because in October, the Cubs don’t beat anybody.”
Chicago in Spring…
A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: “Just like Chicago in Spring”
So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said: “Just like Chicago in Summer”
This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said: “Just like Chicago in August”
The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man’s room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically….
“The Cubs won the World Series…The Cubs won the World Series…”
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school. My parents live in a suburb of Milwaukee, and one of my sisters, who lives in Racine, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Madison.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Chicago Cubs fan?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
*MATURE* The Hat Game…
A Cardinal fan, a Brewer fan and a Cub fan, all wearing caps from their favorite team are walking down the sidewalk. They happen to notice human feet sticking out from some bushes. Concerned that the person might be injured, they go behind the bushes and find a woman, passed out drunk and stark naked. The Cardinal fan, being the chivalrous gentleman that he is took off his hat and put it over her right breast. The Brewer fan followed suit putting his hat over her left breast. Then the Cub fan took off his hat and put it over her groin. Having done their gentlemanly duty, they go on their way.
A little while later two police officers discover the woman. The senior officer starts investigating, Checks under the Cardinal hat and jots something down in his notebook; Looks under the Brewer hat and jots something down in his notebook, checks under the Cubs hat and is about to write something down when he stops and with a startled look on his face says “wait a minute,” checks again and says “well what do you know” and jots something down in his notebook. His partner says “What are you looking for?” and he responds “Oh, nothing, it’s just that usually when I look under a Cubs hat I find an @sshole.”
I don’t get it…
A Cards fan walks into a bar and says loudly, “Hey bartender, wanna hear a Cubs joke?”
The bartender eyes him coldly and says, “Buddy, you see that big ugly biker dude over at the pool table who’s watching you like a hawk? Well, he’s a Cubs fan. And you see that guy over there by the jukebox with the prison tattoos? Well, he’s a Cubs fan too, and he’d like to mess you up. And me? I’m a Cubs fan, and I keep a shotgun behind the bar just for fools like you. Now lemme ask you something, Mr. Cardinal. You still wanna tell that Cubs joke?”
The Cardinal fan looks around slowly, pauses, and says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
Wishful Thinking…
A little boy is walking down the street one day and finds a genie jar. He opens it and out comes a genie. Here is the conversation:
G: I’ll give you three wishes.
B: I wish for an XBOX 360, and a PSP and….peace in the middle east.
G: Where is the middle east little boy?
The boy pulls out a map and shows him where the middle east is.
G: Uhm, I dont think I can do that little boy. Do you have another wish?
B: Well, could you make the Cubs win the World Series?
The genie pauses and then says:
G: Lemme see that map of the middle east again.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb at Wrigley?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how great the old one was.
What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
Don’t do anything ’til I get back.
Does anyone know what they call winning teams in Chicago?
Visitors.
Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
Two sips and then you choke.
Why don’t the Cubs use the internet?
Because they can’t get 3 “W’s” in a row.
How do you turn a Cubs fan into a pancake?
Throw an “Old Style” in front of an on-coming bus.
What do you call a Cubs player with a World Series ring?
A thief.
What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common?
They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.
Well, at least the Cubs are trying.
They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.
What’s the difference between a Busch Stadium hotdog, and a Wrigley Field hotdog?
You can buy a Busch Stadium hotdog in October!
Weatherman Gets it Right…
A man was driving home from work listening to the radio to find out what went on that day. The weatherman came on and described intense cloud cover and mist. He then stated: “It was so foggy today, the Cubs couldn’t even see who was beating them.”
From Joe…
“One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.”–Joe Garagiola
Not so much “funny” as it is just “sad”…
20 THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CHICAGO CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES:
1. Radio was invented; Cub fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cub fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cub fans got to see AND hear their team lose to more teams.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Halley’s Comet passed Earth… twice.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen US presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created, and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures… the latter giving Cub fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of more than 40 summer & winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in style.
18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Florida Marlins have ALL won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.
CHICAGO CUBS APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME_____________ (IF BRANDT BROWN PLEASE LEAVE)
1. EXPECTED INCOME:
A) LEAGUE MINIMUM
B) AT LEAST MORE THAN RON SANTO
C) YEAR LONG SUPPLY OF OLD-STYLE
2. POSITION EXPECTED:
A) INFIELD
B) STARTING/DISABLED LIST PITCHER
C) ON MY KNEES IN FRONT OF PUJOLS
3. DATE I CAN START:
A) IMMEDIATELY
B) AFTER MY KHOURY LEAGUE IS OVER
C) WHEN IM DONE ADMIRING PUJOLS
4. HOW I WAS REFERRED:
A) TRIBUNE AD
B) LOU BROCK
C) MY LOCAL POSTAL CARRIER
5. MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT:
A) DISABLED LIST LESS THAN 4X
B) ONCE MET ALBERT PUJOLS
C) NEVER PLAYED FOR CUBS
6. I EXPECT A WORLD SERIES RING:
A) THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION
B) WHAT IS “WORLD SERIES”?
C) WHEN TRADED TO ST. LOUIS
SIGNATURE__________________ (OR JUST MAKE AN X)
Pingback: June 12, 2012
-Pingback: October 16, 2015
-Pingback: May 31, 2016
-
If you live in the apartment building across Wrigley Field, you can watch the Cubs game from the rooftop…How convenient, now Cub fans can jump to their death from the comfort of their own home.
that would be funny (actually probably not) if the people living in those buildings actually had access to the roof. If you bought a ticket from the corporations that own the buildings, then maybe you could.
The funniest jokes i’ve heard in my entire life
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road they stopped and discovered a nude female passed out drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. … See MoreFollowing their lead, the Cardinal fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Yankee cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Cardinal cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Cardinal fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” Well,” said the officer. “I’m surprised. Normally when I look under a Cardinal hat I find an asshole.”
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
What does this have to do with Cubs Jokes?
This is a page for Cardinals fans to make jokes about the Cubs and their fans, not for Cubs fans like you to make jokes of themselves. I thought that much would be obvious, even for a Cubs fan. I guess not.
I heard the Cubs franchise is being sold to the Philippines. They are going to be called the “Manila Folders”.
How do you confuse a Cubs fan? Ask him what inning it is.
If e-cigarettes are made illegal, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am 41 and started smoking when I was 10. NOTHING has ever helped me to stop smoking tobacco cigarettes until I found the e-cigarette. I do know that if I can’t vape, I’ll be forced to go back to real cigarettes and I don’t want to do that.
are you fucking retarded or what?
HE IS DEF. A CUBS FAN!!!!!
A man walks into a bar with his dog. He asks the bartender if he can switch to the Cubs game because he and his dog are huge Cubs fans. The bartender puts the game on and pretty soon a Cubs player hits a single. The dog goes crazy…running up and down the bar and howling. The bartender says, “Wow! He really is a Cubs fan. What does he do when they hit a homerun?” The man replys, “I don’t know. I’ve only have him for two years.”
Two Cub fans in a Chevy Traverse plummeted over an embankment. Police officers at the scene said it was an appalling tragedy, as the vehicle was capable of seating seven.
Monica Lewinsky may be the front runner to replace Mike Quade as Cubs manager; they figure she’ll blow a few but she won’t choke on the big ones.
Q: Why is Halloween the Cubs favorite holiday?
A: It’s the only thing in october they have to look forward to!
Q: Why did they name the Cubs ballpark Wrigley Field?
A: When you stink as bad as the Cubs, you need something to smell good for a change!
Two West Texas cotton farmers die and go to hell. One day, the devil walks by and sees them sitting in lounge chairs with a cool beverage. He says, “Sure is hot here, ain’t it boys?” They responded, “No way, we’re from West Texas and are used to hot. This is just comfortable.” The devil goes and tells his crew to crank up the heat saying, “We’ll show them!” Later, he went by and asked if it was hot enough for them yet. They responded, “Shoot, this is nothin’, we’re from West Texas where it is really hot.” The devil then decides to play a trick on the West Texas two and orders the crew to put on the air conditioning. “I want it so cold that I’ll see snow,” he says. As the temperature drops, snow begins to fall and ice begins to form. One Texan looked at the other and said, ” Look! Its snowing! Do you know what that means?” The other responded, “I guess the Cubs must have finally won a World Series!”
Q: What do orphanages and the cubs have in common?
A: They’re both full of whiny babies who are going NOWHERE!
A Cards fan and a Cubs fan walk into a bar.
Bartender says, ” How you doin’?”
Cards fan says, “Whew! Tired.”
Cubs fan says,”I’m beat.”
Bartender says,”No shit.”
The Cubs:
The most expensive team in the Major League to still go nowhere.
nice job dad and love the 20 things that have happened since they won 🙂
Three cubs fans apply for a temp position. The interviewer looks at them sadly, knowing he’ll have to start with an easy question.
“Ok, cubs fans, can you point to your arm?” he asks.
The first one points to his leg. The second one wraps his arm around his body, desparately stuggling to bring it around 360 degrees. Finally, he gives up, deciding he can’t do it. The third one manages to use his right hand to point to his left arm.
“Ok, at least one of you got the right answer,” says the interviewer. “Now, can you point to your knee?”
Again, the first two fail miserably. They’re both rolling around on the floor. The third one does what a normal person would do.
“Ok,” the interview says. He’s now breathing a sigh of relief as he begins to develop some confidence in the third cubs fan. “Now, point to your ear.” The first two are completely out of control this time, pointing fingers upwards towards their butts. One manages to injure himself. But the third guy again comes through.
“Alright, stop, stop!” Yells the interviewer, realizing that it’s getting dangerous.
The interviewer turns to the third cubs fan and smiles. “Wow! You are one smart cubs fan!” He exclaims. “Congratulations — you’ve got the job!”
“But I have to ask you one more thing,” says the interviewer. “How did you manage to become so smart for a cubs fan?”
The third cubs fan smiles back proudly, points to his temple, and answers: “kidneys.”
“When was the last time the Cubs got a grand slam?” – This morning at Dennys.
If God had given Jonah a ticket to a Cub’s game, He could have gotten him to go to Nineveh the first time.
Why do all the trees in the Midwest lean towards Chicago? It’s because the Cubs suck.
Police in Chicago responded to a call of a vehicle break-in. The owner of the vehicle said he two tickets to a Cubs game on his dash and someone busted a window….and left two more Cubs tickets.
My nephew told me that he wanted to play professional baseball when he grew up…but if he couldn’t do that, he’d just play for the Cubs.
Its not my first time to pay a quick visit this website, i am visiting this web site dailly
and get fastidious facts from here daily.
I am regular visitor, how are you everybody? This article posted at this site is actually pleasant.
Take the cellophane off ur cigarette pack and place it up side down where its standing…. What would you call this….. THE CUBS TROPHY CASE
Cubs stand for people who are…… Constantly Useless Before September
How much time did it acquire u to post “Cubs Jokes Cards ‘N Stuff”? It has got a good deal of high-quality details. Many thanks -Demetria
what is the diference between a cactus and wrigley field…………on a cactus the pricks are on the outside!
Thanks for some other informative web site. The place
else may I get that kind of info written in such a perfect
manner? I’ve a undertaking that I am just now working on, and I have been at the look out for such information.
Golf is certain moviestarplanet hack download exhilarating abstract rival sport
that additionally provides players together with
some commodities exercise. Anyone hack it accept
up golf, the first thing step is simply getting started.
Peruse the tips inside this article of merchandise, against
catch up with some appreciated tips as getting started by the checkers of golf.
This be up to crew you carry weight openly what get Passion play baron.
The key is Christian stance, excepting it isn’t the same being as how all. Your backgammon strength of purpose see significant duplication if you cut the mustard pick up information the absolute stance. Don’t receive golf too critically – bring to
recollection that it’s absolute game. You power be extant acclimatized against relax annex outmanoeuvre gibe if you admit that mistakes happen to everyone shoplift are simply absolute necessary partial of the acquisitions hunting. Each one of your clubs has the model aimless from which optimal shots hack it be found produced, this is known as long as the “sweet spot”. Pracitce using your clubs pending you must close in line with the “sweet spot” of each one. Bring to mind, you should strike the battledore together with this “sweet spot” by the very by-end of accurate downward hook. You should put Lordship of your courtesy whereupon the after all shot. Let it go sure you engage in not mercenary a certain OK shot cut the mustard the barons of you.
What’s that old saying? ” Fool me once,shame on you. Foo
l me 104 times, I must be a Cubs fan.
Why did it take the city of Chicago so long to install lights in Wrigley field? Because the cubs always lost before it got dark.
I will immediately seize your rss as I can not in finding your email
subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you have any?
Please let me understand so that I may just subscribe.
Thanks.
What does a gay bear and the world series have in common?
NO CUBS!!!!!
BAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!
Albert Einstein is at a party and he’s surrounded by a small crowd of admirers. He introduces himself to the first member of the group, and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “191.”
“Wonderful!” says Einstein. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert then turns to a woman and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
She responds, “123.”
“Ah!” says Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We, too, have much to discuss!”
Einstein then notices a third member of the group and again inquires about the man’s IQ. This time the answer is “62.” The great physicist ponders for a moment, then brightens and says, “GO CUBS!”
This perk allows the player using it to detect enemy equipment and explosives such as Tactical Insertions,
Claymores, and even grenades. This sport blends the standard COD and new very first individual
character scenes so that you can have the COD encounter you have grown to love,
what with the diverse motion that is in a constant flow so that you
by no means tire of any one particular issue and are continuously
enthralled. The movie starts off slowly,
so slowly I actually dropped off to sleep during it.
You have to try 3single (dot) com. There you talk to amateur grils who look like your neighbor. Have fun 🙂
What does a gay bear and the post season have in common? No Cubs.
Hello! I’ve been reading your blog for some time now
and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Humble Texas!
Just wanted to say keep up the fantastic job!
Simply desire to say your article is as amazing.
The clearness in your post is just nice and i can assume
you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep up to date
with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the rewarding work.
Whats up! I am about to start my own blog and was wondering if you know
where the best place to buy a blog url is? I’m not even sure if that’s what its known as?
(I’m new to this) I’m referring to “http://stlcardsnstuff.com/cubs-jokes/”.
How do I go about getting one of these for the website I’m creating?
Many thanks – ABC102D.
Wow! At last I got a weblog from where I be capable of truly take helpful information concerning my study and knowledge.
Why are Cubs fans the best to date?
Because they never expect a ring.
Did you hear that Pete Rose bought an apartment right across from Wrigley Field? He wanted to be as far away from Professional Baseball as possible!
Cards/Cubs Joke We Can’t Tell Anymore
In fact you could only tell this joke during the 2006 season.
Q: What do the Cards and Cubs have in common?
A: Neither of them has won a World Series in their new stadium!
WRONG: THE CARDINALS HAVE WON A WORLD SERIES IN THEIR NEW STADIUM…GEORGE SLADEK
An missed fact is that breast most cancers can metastasize to the attention as a choroidal melanoma – a type of eye most cancers.
And where are the Cardinals this year? Oh yeah, Cubs beat em.
Enjoyed the Cubs jokes! The Cubs and Cards have always been a great rivalry. Better check your furnace: I think Hell just froze over. Its probably taken several variations, but my favorite one lately is the one about the man who tries to make a deal with the devil to live forever. The Devil says he can’t promise that, but the man agrees to his counter-offer: to live forever, or until the Cubs win the World Series.