The following is a small collection of jokes targeted at the Chicago Cubs and their silly little fans. I gather these as I see them, so be patient – the list will grow.

If you have a joke to contribute, feel free…if I deem it worthy, I will add it to my collection. As I find better jokes to replace the less funny jokes already here, I will employ the late-inning hook and yank ‘em.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lesson Learned…
A young boy from a family of Cubs fans celebrated his birthday with a trip to the sporting goods store where his dad let him pick out anything he wanted. The little boy chose an Albert Pujols jersey, and proceeded to tell his sister that he had decided to become a Cardinals fan. His sister smacked him upside the head and said, “Go talk to mom!”

The little boy then told his mom the same thing, and she smacked him upside the head and said, “Go talk to your dad!”

He told his dad the same thing, and his dad smacked him upside the head and said, “I hope you’ve learned something from this stunt of yours!”

“I sure have,” the boy replied. “I’ve only been a Cardinal fan for ten minutes and I already hate you Cub bastards.”

A Class Full of Cubs Fans…
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Cubs fans too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Cubs fan.”

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

“Why I’m proud to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cardinals fan.

“Well, My Dad and Mom are Cardinals fans, and I’m a Cardinals fan too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a Cubs fan.”

100 Points!
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town near Chicago. Of course, there were always Cub fans walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian Cub fans with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a Cub fan walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the Cub fan, but…then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump” and in the rear view mirror he spotted the Cub fan rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, “Father, I’m sure that I missed that Cub fan.”

And the priest replied, “That’s OK, my son, I got him with the door.”

An Answer to Prayers…
Jesus had a conversation with God and asked, “Father, so many people keep praying to me for the Cubs to win the World Series. What should I tell them?”

God replied, “Tell them that the Cubs will win the World Series, my son… Just not in my lifetime.”

A Little Boy’s Plea…
A litle boy was an abused child. His parents were acused of the crime. When they went to trial, the judge asked the little boy who he wanted to live with. He replied, “The Chicago Cubs, Sir.” The Judge asked him, “Why the Cubs?” The little boy said, “Because in October, the Cubs don’t beat anybody.”

Chicago in Spring…
A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: “Just like Chicago in Spring”

So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said: “Just like Chicago in Summer”

This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said: “Just like Chicago in August”

The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man’s room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically….

“The Cubs won the World Series…The Cubs won the World Series…”

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school. My parents live in a suburb of Milwaukee, and one of my sisters, who lives in Racine, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Madison.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel.

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Chicago Cubs fan?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

*MATURE* The Hat Game…
A Cardinal fan, a Brewer fan and a Cub fan, all wearing caps from their favorite team are walking down the sidewalk. They happen to notice human feet sticking out from some bushes. Concerned that the person might be injured, they go behind the bushes and find a woman, passed out drunk and stark naked. The Cardinal fan, being the chivalrous gentleman that he is took off his hat and put it over her right breast. The Brewer fan followed suit putting his hat over her left breast. Then the Cub fan took off his hat and put it over her groin. Having done their gentlemanly duty, they go on their way.

A little while later two police officers discover the woman. The senior officer starts investigating, Checks under the Cardinal hat and jots something down in his notebook; Looks under the Brewer hat and jots something down in his notebook, checks under the Cubs hat and is about to write something down when he stops and with a startled look on his face says “wait a minute,” checks again and says “well what do you know” and jots something down in his notebook. His partner says “What are you looking for?” and he responds “Oh, nothing, it’s just that usually when I look under a Cubs hat I find an @sshole.”

I don’t get it…
A Cards fan walks into a bar and says loudly, “Hey bartender, wanna hear a Cubs joke?”

The bartender eyes him coldly and says, “Buddy, you see that big ugly biker dude over at the pool table who’s watching you like a hawk? Well, he’s a Cubs fan. And you see that guy over there by the jukebox with the prison tattoos? Well, he’s a Cubs fan too, and he’d like to mess you up. And me? I’m a Cubs fan, and I keep a shotgun behind the bar just for fools like you. Now lemme ask you something, Mr. Cardinal. You still wanna tell that Cubs joke?”

The Cardinal fan looks around slowly, pauses, and says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

Wishful Thinking…
A little boy is walking down the street one day and finds a genie jar. He opens it and out comes a genie. Here is the conversation:

G: I’ll give you three wishes.

B: I wish for an XBOX 360, and a PSP and….peace in the middle east.

G: Where is the middle east little boy?

The boy pulls out a map and shows him where the middle east is.

G: Uhm, I dont think I can do that little boy. Do you have another wish?

B: Well, could you make the Cubs win the World Series?

The genie pauses and then says:

G: Lemme see that map of the middle east again.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb at Wrigley?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how great the old one was.

What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
Don’t do anything ’til I get back.

Does anyone know what they call winning teams in Chicago?
Visitors.

Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
Two sips and then you choke.

Why don’t the Cubs use the internet?
Because they can’t get 3 “W’s” in a row. 

How do you turn a Cubs fan into a pancake?
Throw an “Old Style” in front of an on-coming bus.

What do you call a Cubs player with a World Series ring?
A thief.

What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common? 
They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Well, at least the Cubs are trying.
They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.

What’s the difference between a Busch Stadium hotdog, and a Wrigley Field hotdog?
You can buy a Busch Stadium hotdog in October!

Weatherman Gets it Right…
A man was driving home from work listening to the radio to find out what went on that day. The weatherman came on and described intense cloud cover and mist. He then stated: “It was so foggy today, the Cubs couldn’t even see who was beating them.”

From Joe…
“One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.”–Joe Garagiola

Not so much “funny” as it is just “sad”…
20 THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CHICAGO CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES:

1. Radio was invented; Cub fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cub fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cub fans got to see AND hear their team lose to more teams.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Halley’s Comet passed Earth… twice.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen US presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created, and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures… the latter giving Cub fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 summer & winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in style.
18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Florida Marlins have ALL won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.

CHICAGO CUBS APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME_____________ (IF BRANDT BROWN PLEASE LEAVE)

1.   EXPECTED INCOME:

A)  LEAGUE MINIMUM
B)  AT LEAST MORE THAN RON SANTO
C)  YEAR LONG SUPPLY OF OLD-STYLE

2.   POSITION EXPECTED:

A)  INFIELD
B)  STARTING/DISABLED LIST PITCHER
C)  ON MY KNEES IN FRONT OF PUJOLS

3.   DATE I CAN START:

A)  IMMEDIATELY
B)  AFTER MY KHOURY LEAGUE IS OVER
C)  WHEN IM DONE ADMIRING PUJOLS

4.   HOW I WAS REFERRED:

A)  TRIBUNE AD
B)  LOU BROCK
C)  MY LOCAL POSTAL CARRIER

5.   MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT:

A)  DISABLED LIST LESS THAN 4X
B)  ONCE MET ALBERT PUJOLS
C)  NEVER PLAYED FOR CUBS

6.   I EXPECT A WORLD SERIES RING:

A)  THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION
B)  WHAT IS “WORLD SERIES”?
C)  WHEN TRADED TO ST. LOUIS

SIGNATURE__________________ (OR JUST MAKE AN X)